ALEXANDRIA'S ALCHEMY
ALEXANDRIA'S ALCHEMY
How Early Experiences Shape Our Deepest Longings
Longing is a feeling I know too well. Looking back now, I see how it has threaded through my life, revealing truths I never fully understood until now. Like background music, it played on repeat in my head, shaping my attachments, habits, and patterns. I’ve come to realize that examining our past isn’t just about introspection; it’s about uncovering the silent ways it influences us. Your personal history matters more than you think.
My life has been a story of longing—longing for places, for people, for situations. When I couldn’t have what I longed for, I created a vivid imagination to fill the gaps. I crafted worlds in books, songs, fantasies, and conjured stories to pacify absence. To win affection, I sought validation through performances and achievements. This coping became a persistent habit, almost like background music I couldn’t turn off.
THE SEED OF LONGING
Growing up, there were times when my parents were physically absent while they were pursuing their degrees or desires. My mother had to entrust me to my aunt while she earned her degree, and my father, ever the wanderer (what do you expect from a Sagittarius in his early 20s), was off on his own adventures. I see now that even in my earliest years, I must have created ways to cope with their absence. Something tells me my ability to build stories and vividly daydream was my attempt to construct a version of reality that could keep me safe and emotionally whole. Until now, I thought the absences were minor, but in truth, they have been shaping the rhythm of my internal soundtrack for years.
Looking at my own daughter today, I feel that intense bond—a bond so deep that she clings to me, seeking the security that my younger self once craved. It makes me wonder: did I, too, cling to my parents in the same way, only to be left? How did I cope or feel during those moments. My mother told me of tantrums and trying my best to manipulate the situation even as a baby. Whether it was begging or staying awake so that she couldn’t be out my sight…I must’ve learned something there. What did I do so no one could leave me behind?
How Past Longing Shapes Present Patterns
LONGING TO BE SEEN & VALIDATED
The habit of longing has been with me since those early years, woven into my imagination and how I process relationships. Even with a look at the stories I created in the past, there was always a dilemma, taboo, or barrier to your emotional needs.
In my teenage years, I felt the same longing for my father. For many years, he’d be away for 6 months at a time during his tours in the Navy. With that, I coped through music. Making beats and singing was my way to connect with him, my way to grab his attention and make him proud. At times, we could only communicate through email or short phone conversations. I was excited to make a song to send it over to him. I realize now that this need to perform, to be seen, to be validated wasn’t just about the music—it was about the connection, the assurance that I was wanted and valued. Through music, I felt a little less alone in the background melody of longing. Writing songs…about longing lol.
LONGING FOR TRUE LOVE
As I grew older, I sought out people and experiences that mirrored those early relationships. The men who reminded me of my father, the drive to perform, the endless longing for connection—all these patterns repeated. Sometimes they led me to good things, but other times they were destructive, leaving me clinging to illusions or projecting idealized images onto people who could never fulfill them. I made excuses for people, romanticized their absence, and couldn’t see objectively. It felt more meaningful to create a story around these connections that lacked the basic fundamentals for a real relationship.
This cycle of longing, what some might call “limerence,” can be a slippery slope. It’s like playing a song on repeat that fills you with the echo of something beautiful yet painful and absent. When longing turns to obsession or delusion, it becomes a barrier to truly seeing others as they are. Instead, we see only the image, the potential, the performance we’ve created in our minds.
Side Note: Please don’t romanticize bad behavior. People are fully aware of their actions and the potential impact of their decisions. Favoring those who treat you poorly, single you out, or neglect you is a lesson in itself.
GRATITUDE FOR THE LESSONS
My most intense connections became my greatest lessons, each carrying the same elements—music, intelligence, swagger, and, ultimately, absence. Synchronicity wove around them, making every encounter feel fated, both serendipitous and impactful, sometimes even devastating. Through them, I encountered modern abandonment, disregard, and even the reality of loss. They had to be intense because they were meant to leave a lasting impact. I’m grateful for those souls who helped me uncover this ‘background track’ in my life—because hindsight, after all, is 20/20.
LONGING FOR STABILITY
In my younger years, we moved every few years. With each move came new faces, new places, and, inevitably, the old cycle of longing for what was lost. My creativity grew out of this constant change, but so did my habit of romanticizing the past. I created stories where I could control the endings, where the people and places were what I wanted them to be. Love and desire became the core of my imagination, but so did the heartbreak of wanting something just out of reach.
NO LONGER LONGING
Now, as an adult, I realize that these recurring stories are more than just memories—they’re background music I hadn’t fully acknowledged. Awareness is the volume knob, and turning it down means living more in the present. No longer am I clinging to the old tune of longing. Instead, I choose to be here, fully aware of what’s in front of me, finding gratitude for the abundance around me now.
TUNING IN
To anyone reading, I encourage you to explore the silent impact of your own background music. Ask yourself what patterns, what characters, what recurring themes appear in your life. What moments trigger you, bringing up emotions you don’t fully understand? Often, these patterns trace back to long-forgotten experiences or even trivial moments that became part of your inner landscape. By becoming aware, you give yourself the chance to rewrite your story and turn down the music that no longer serves you.
Awareness is the start, and it is all we truly have in our power. With it, we can bring new melodies into our lives—songs of the present, of acceptance, of being fully here.
THE CURE FOR LONGING
The true cure for longing is being fully present. Longing pulls us into the past or tempts us with imagined futures, keeping us chasing what we feel we lack. But in the present, we realize that nothing is missing—peace, fulfillment, and even joy are right here, waiting to be noticed. When we anchor ourselves in each moment, we find that the things we once chased are often already within us, revealed through gratitude and awareness. Let go of the chase; come back to now. This moment is enough.
How to Unmask the Experiences That Shape Today’s Patterns, Habits, and Attachments
Understanding how past experiences shape our present patterns, habits, and attachments can be a powerful way to break free from cycles that no longer serve us. Here’s a step-by-step guide to unmasking those experiences and gaining awareness that can lead to growth and change.
Identify Repeating Patterns
Look for patterns in your relationships, habits, or responses to situations. Are there behaviors or emotions that come up repeatedly?
Write down any recurring thoughts, feelings, or actions that you notice. Sometimes, the act of putting them on paper can reveal connections you hadn’t seen before.
Reflect on Early Influences
Consider your childhood experiences and influential figures, such as parents, caregivers, or close family members. What beliefs or expectations did they model for you?
Reflect on any memorable events or emotional situations from your early years. Ask yourself how those experiences might relate to your present habits or attachments.
Examine Emotional Triggers
Notice what triggers strong emotions in you—whether it’s anger, sadness, or longing. Emotional triggers are often linked to unresolved past experiences.
Pay attention to situations or interactions that stir these emotions. Try to pinpoint what they remind you of or if they echo a past experience.
Question Your Core Beliefs
Think about the beliefs you hold about yourself and others. These may include ideas like “I have to be perfect to be loved” or “People always leave.”
Question where these beliefs came from and if they stem from past relationships or situations. Understanding the roots of these beliefs can help you see them more clearly in your life today.
Practice Mindfulness and Awareness
Spend time each day practicing mindfulness, focusing on the present moment without judgment. This can help you become more aware of your automatic responses.
As you become more mindful, you’ll be better able to catch yourself in old patterns and see how they play out in realtime.
Work Through Emotions, Don’t Avoid Them
When painful memories or emotions come up, allow yourself to feel them instead of pushing them away. Avoidance keeps old patterns alive; confronting emotions helps to release them.
Journaling, therapy, or talking with trusted friends can provide safe spaces to work through these emotions.
Visualize New Responses and Patterns
Once you recognize an old pattern or habit, visualize a new way to respond. Imagine yourself reacting differently, choosing actions that align with who you want to be.
Practice these new responses in small ways until they start to feel natural. With time, they’ll replace outdated habits.
Embrace Growth and Patience
Changing longstanding patterns takes time and patience. Celebrate small shifts and progress, even if it feels slow.
Embrace self compassion and treat yourself kindly through this process. Growth happens one small step at a time.
Unmasking the past and understanding its influence on today’s behaviors can feel challenging, but it also opens the door to profound self discovery and freedom. Awareness is the first step to breaking free from old patterns and choosing a path that serves your present and future self.
How Early Experiences Shape Our Deepest Longings
Longing is a feeling I know too well. Looking back now, I see how it has threaded through my life, revealing truths I never fully understood until now. Like background music, it played on repeat in my head, shaping my attachments, habits, and patterns. I’ve come to realize that examining our past isn’t just about introspection; it’s about uncovering the silent ways it influences us. Your personal history matters more than you think.
My life has been a story of longing—longing for places, for people, for situations. When I couldn’t have what I longed for, I created a vivid imagination to fill the gaps. I crafted worlds in books, songs, fantasies, and conjured stories to pacify absence. To win affection, I sought validation through performances and achievements. This coping became a persistent habit, almost like background music I couldn’t turn off.
THE SEED OF LONGING
Growing up, there were times when my parents were physically absent while they were pursuing their degrees or desires. My mother had to entrust me to my aunt while she earned her degree, and my father, ever the wanderer (what do you expect from a Sagittarius in his early 20s), was off on his own adventures. I see now that even in my earliest years, I must have created ways to cope with their absence. Something tells me my ability to build stories and vividly daydream was my attempt to construct a version of reality that could keep me safe and emotionally whole. Until now, I thought the absences were minor, but in truth, they have been shaping the rhythm of my internal soundtrack for years.
Looking at my own daughter today, I feel that intense bond—a bond so deep that she clings to me, seeking the security that my younger self once craved. It makes me wonder: did I, too, cling to my parents in the same way, only to be left? How did I cope or feel during those moments. My mother told me of tantrums and trying my best to manipulate the situation even as a baby. Whether it was begging or staying awake so that she couldn’t be out my sight…I must’ve learned something there. What did I do so no one could leave me behind?
How Past Longing Shapes Present Patterns
LONGING TO BE SEEN & VALIDATED
The habit of longing has been with me since those early years, woven into my imagination and how I process relationships. Even with a look at the stories I created in the past, there was always a dilemma, taboo, or barrier to your emotional needs.
In my teenage years, I felt the same longing for my father. For many years, he’d be away for 6 months at a time during his tours in the Navy. With that, I coped through music. Making beats and singing was my way to connect with him, my way to grab his attention and make him proud. At times, we could only communicate through email or short phone conversations. I was excited to make a song to send it over to him. I realize now that this need to perform, to be seen, to be validated wasn’t just about the music—it was about the connection, the assurance that I was wanted and valued. Through music, I felt a little less alone in the background melody of longing. Writing songs…about longing lol.
LONGING FOR TRUE LOVE
As I grew older, I sought out people and experiences that mirrored those early relationships. The men who reminded me of my father, the drive to perform, the endless longing for connection—all these patterns repeated. Sometimes they led me to good things, but other times they were destructive, leaving me clinging to illusions or projecting idealized images onto people who could never fulfill them. I made excuses for people, romanticized their absence, and couldn’t see objectively. It felt more meaningful to create a story around these connections that lacked the basic fundamentals for a real relationship.
This cycle of longing, what some might call “limerence,” can be a slippery slope. It’s like playing a song on repeat that fills you with the echo of something beautiful yet painful and absent. When longing turns to obsession or delusion, it becomes a barrier to truly seeing others as they are. Instead, we see only the image, the potential, the performance we’ve created in our minds.
Side Note: Please don’t romanticize bad behavior. People are fully aware of their actions and the potential impact of their decisions. Favoring those who treat you poorly, single you out, or neglect you is a lesson in itself.
GRATITUDE FOR THE LESSONS
My most intense connections became my greatest lessons, each carrying the same elements—music, intelligence, swagger, and, ultimately, absence. Synchronicity wove around them, making every encounter feel fated, both serendipitous and impactful, sometimes even devastating. Through them, I encountered modern abandonment, disregard, and even the reality of loss. They had to be intense because they were meant to leave a lasting impact. I’m grateful for those souls who helped me uncover this ‘background track’ in my life—because hindsight, after all, is 20/20.
LONGING FOR STABILITY
In my younger years, we moved every few years. With each move came new faces, new places, and, inevitably, the old cycle of longing for what was lost. My creativity grew out of this constant change, but so did my habit of romanticizing the past. I created stories where I could control the endings, where the people and places were what I wanted them to be. Love and desire became the core of my imagination, but so did the heartbreak of wanting something just out of reach.
NO LONGER LONGING
Now, as an adult, I realize that these recurring stories are more than just memories—they’re background music I hadn’t fully acknowledged. Awareness is the volume knob, and turning it down means living more in the present. No longer am I clinging to the old tune of longing. Instead, I choose to be here, fully aware of what’s in front of me, finding gratitude for the abundance around me now.
TUNING IN
To anyone reading, I encourage you to explore the silent impact of your own background music. Ask yourself what patterns, what characters, what recurring themes appear in your life. What moments trigger you, bringing up emotions you don’t fully understand? Often, these patterns trace back to long-forgotten experiences or even trivial moments that became part of your inner landscape. By becoming aware, you give yourself the chance to rewrite your story and turn down the music that no longer serves you.
Awareness is the start, and it is all we truly have in our power. With it, we can bring new melodies into our lives—songs of the present, of acceptance, of being fully here.
THE CURE FOR LONGING
The true cure for longing is being fully present. Longing pulls us into the past or tempts us with imagined futures, keeping us chasing what we feel we lack. But in the present, we realize that nothing is missing—peace, fulfillment, and even joy are right here, waiting to be noticed. When we anchor ourselves in each moment, we find that the things we once chased are often already within us, revealed through gratitude and awareness. Let go of the chase; come back to now. This moment is enough.
How to Unmask the Experiences That Shape Today’s Patterns, Habits, and Attachments
Understanding how past experiences shape our present patterns, habits, and attachments can be a powerful way to break free from cycles that no longer serve us. Here’s a step-by-step guide to unmasking those experiences and gaining awareness that can lead to growth and change.
Identify Repeating Patterns
Look for patterns in your relationships, habits, or responses to situations. Are there behaviors or emotions that come up repeatedly?
Write down any recurring thoughts, feelings, or actions that you notice. Sometimes, the act of putting them on paper can reveal connections you hadn’t seen before.
Reflect on Early Influences
Consider your childhood experiences and influential figures, such as parents, caregivers, or close family members. What beliefs or expectations did they model for you?
Reflect on any memorable events or emotional situations from your early years. Ask yourself how those experiences might relate to your present habits or attachments.
Examine Emotional Triggers
Notice what triggers strong emotions in you—whether it’s anger, sadness, or longing. Emotional triggers are often linked to unresolved past experiences.
Pay attention to situations or interactions that stir these emotions. Try to pinpoint what they remind you of or if they echo a past experience.
Question Your Core Beliefs
Think about the beliefs you hold about yourself and others. These may include ideas like “I have to be perfect to be loved” or “People always leave.”
Question where these beliefs came from and if they stem from past relationships or situations. Understanding the roots of these beliefs can help you see them more clearly in your life today.
Practice Mindfulness and Awareness
Spend time each day practicing mindfulness, focusing on the present moment without judgment. This can help you become more aware of your automatic responses.
As you become more mindful, you’ll be better able to catch yourself in old patterns and see how they play out in realtime.
Work Through Emotions, Don’t Avoid Them
When painful memories or emotions come up, allow yourself to feel them instead of pushing them away. Avoidance keeps old patterns alive; confronting emotions helps to release them.
Journaling, therapy, or talking with trusted friends can provide safe spaces to work through these emotions.
Visualize New Responses and Patterns
Once you recognize an old pattern or habit, visualize a new way to respond. Imagine yourself reacting differently, choosing actions that align with who you want to be.
Practice these new responses in small ways until they start to feel natural. With time, they’ll replace outdated habits.
Embrace Growth and Patience
Changing longstanding patterns takes time and patience. Celebrate small shifts and progress, even if it feels slow.
Embrace self compassion and treat yourself kindly through this process. Growth happens one small step at a time.
Unmasking the past and understanding its influence on today’s behaviors can feel challenging, but it also opens the door to profound self discovery and freedom. Awareness is the first step to breaking free from old patterns and choosing a path that serves your present and future self.